Violence against women is a conversation we need to start having with our young men
In recent days, the conversation around violence against women has once again been brought sharply into focus.
Stories in the media in the last week are deeply unsettling. This not just because of the violence itself, but because of what sits underneath it. You cannot read about Natalie McNally without being struck by the manipulative, coercive and premeditated nature of her murder. It forces us to confront a difficult truth that throwing our hands up in the air and saying this is just another unfortunate and random event diminishes the pressing nature of addressing this. Our society is full of men carrying out varying levels of abuse in a way that is patterned, learned, and often hidden in plain sight.
Back in November, the President of Ireland spoke candidly about the persistent and systemic nature of violence against women. Her words highlighted the fact that these are not isolated incidents; instead, they are part of a wider cultural and societal issue that demands engagement and not just outrage.
Even writing this article makes me nervous because I feel there is a complexity behind it that I may never fully understand or even come to terms with personally. I find the idea of violence against women abhorrent and those who perpetrate it to be serious criminals. However, over the past year, I’ve had the opportunity to speak with staff from MOVE Ireland on my podcast, 'I Love You, MAN - A Positive Psychology Podcast' and also with a man who completed one of their intervention programmes. What stayed with me was not just the gravity of the harm caused, but the uncomfortable reality that if we want to reduce violence, we have to engage with the men who perpetrate it.
Please recognise that I am not excusing the behaviour of the men who do it. However, I do want to be able to understand it well enough to change it. (If) Men are part of the problem, then they have to be part of the solution.
Some of the men in these programmes come with histories of abuse, neglect, or deeply challenging upbringings. Some show genuine remorse. If we simply label them as “bad” and push them to the margins, we risk reinforcing the very conditions that allow harm to continue. If we are serious about prevention, we must also be serious about rehabilitation.
I also think it shows the ever-growing importance of talking to and working with young men, particularly in schools. We can continue to react after harm is done, or we can intervene before attitudes harden, before behaviours escalate and before harm becomes irreversible.
There is growing evidence and guidance on how to do this well. Conversations with boys and young men need to be direct, but not alienating. We need to be honest with our lads, but if we start by shaming them, then the chances are we will create a barrier that could be hard to break. Work in the UK highlights how quickly young men can become defensive if they feel attacked, and how important it is to keep them engaged.
On the other hand, we cannot go into this with a 'kumbaya' attitude. Violence against women is not acceptable, and it shouldn't be inevitable. It is going to take a multiagency approach to fix this.
I am not holding up men as heroes, but I am saying that we cannot solve this problem if boys and men are part of the conversation. Locally, here in Ireland, some Initiatives focus on bystander intervention and show that young men are often willing to act when given the tools and language to do so. Research and frameworks also reinforce the importance of bringing men into the conversation as active participants in change, not passive observers.
If this is a confusing landscape for adults, how can we expect our young men to navigate it without guidance? They are exposed to conflicting messages about masculinity, relationships, and power. Some of these messages, particularly those amplified online, promote dominance, control, and entitlement. If we don’t provide strong, positive alternatives, we leave a vacuum that others are more than willing to fill.
We also cannot be reactive. Consistency in delivering these messages through schools, sports clubs, communities, and homes is vital. We need to create spaces where boys can explore what respect looks like, understand the impact of their behaviour, and develop the emotional and social skills needed to build healthy relationships.
We also need to be clear! This is not about making “perfect” men. It’s about helping boys and men become more aware and responsible.
We can keep our heads in the sand and continue to react with anger and disbelief each time another story emerges., just like we have in the last week! Or we can take responsibility for the role we all play in shaping the next generation of men.
It's hard, and I have found writing this article the most challenging yet. I also need to learn more, but I know that the topic requires patience, honesty, and a willingness to engage in uncomfortable conversations. If we want to see fewer stories like the ones we’ve seen this week, then this is the work that needs to be done.
