Why flourishing matters more than 'winning', especially for young men

It has been a busy start to 2026. I am trying to stay in the present and not overly concern myself with the goals I set for myself at the start of the new year. That is why today I am savouring a successful couple of weeks presenting webinars for Prem International School on the topic of supporting positive behaviour and wellbeing for our young men. In addition, I have met with two further clubs who are incorporating positive psychology into their preparations for this season.

Having conversations around the topic of Positive Psychology is so enriching for me. It is amazing how something that has become such a big part of my vernacular is also something I am allowed to share with hundreds of people. What a privilege.

One thing my work with schools and clubs consistently shows me; however, is that as a society outcomes are still the currency we trade most highly in. Across schools, homes, and sports teams, we often celebrate outcomes, be it exam results, medals, promotions, or other performance metrics and everything we do in life must be in the pursuit of this.

But psychology tells a more nuanced story.

In positive psychology, flourishing isn’t just feeling good. It refers to functioning well across engagement, relationships, meaning and accomplishment. This is something researchers call optimal human development. And this matters, particularly for boys and young men.

We are currently seeing a widening developmental gap. The Higher Education Policy Institute reports that half a million fewer men than women have progressed into higher education in recent years. Meanwhile The Centre for Social Justice’s recent Lost Boys report outlines concerning patterns in employment, education, and wellbeing outcomes for young men. Similar concerns are echoed internationally in coverage in a variety of media.

When young men define themselves solely by external achievement, be it exam grades, athletic success, or salary, they set themselves against a very strict benchmark. As a result, they are left vulnerable when those markers wobble.

I saw this recently in sport.

An U-16 player I worked with defined success as one thing: winning a medal. Every training and game became a verdict on his worth. His anxiety spiked; his decision-making narrowed. So, we shifted the frame.

Instead of “Did you win?”, the question became: “What did this match teach you? What did you learn about effort? Where did you grow?”

After just a few sessions, his anxiety reduced. His awareness sharpened. Not only did his performance improve, but more importantly so did his perception of it.

Why is this? Am I a guru that is providing the secret key to success? (I wish) Or am I just asking the questions that help someone unlock what is already in their position? (Closer to the truth)

When we are so hell bent on outcomes, we lose track of what got out of bed in the first place. Research on intrinsic motivation shows that when effort is driven by meaning and internal growth rather than external reward, persistence and wellbeing increase. This aligns strongly with what I recently explored in a webinar with Prem School on Belonging and Communication. Belonging is not a “soft skill.” It is a performance variable. When boys feel connected, seen, and valued, they are more likely to engage, persist, and recover from setbacks.

For school leaders, parents, teachers, and company leaders of young men, this reframes our role. We are not just preparing our boys and young men to compete; we are shaping the context in which they interpret competition.

If success is defined only by outcomes, we unintentionally increase fragility. If success includes wellbeing, connection, and meaning, we build durable performance.

In every workshop I host, I tell them that most sectors, be it sport, education and early career development, are interchangeable and the concepts I discuss can be applied in each context to help enhance wellbeing. In every area, motivation is the container for flourishing.

So something for you to consider this week: If your definition of success included wellbeing as much as scorelines or KPIs, how would that change the way you lead the young men in your care?

I'd be interested to know. Have a great week.